dear anonymous...

Anonymous, I miss it too.

Seems I can't find that place anymore, and I don't know why.
Over time I think I've just started censoring myself too much. Closing off all of those doors to rooms still unfurnished.
The only things I share are those I'm relatively certain of, that I've thought on for hours.
No, that's not right.
I don't share those thoughts either, because they are sorted and straight. No need to get them out, to see them in black and white.

Maybe part of it is that I just don't take the time to sit down and write. I'm out of practice, words don't flow.
That used to happen you know? Flow flow flow.
I'd sit down at the computer and
letter word phrase
they'd come splashing out,
brain fingers keys screen
and there would be an entry, raw and energetic, containing all that was in that crazy mixed up room in my head. Sometimes jumbled, sometimes neatly organized, usually somewhere between the two.

Practice is what I need...but yeah...I don't get it. Perhaps I've become apathetic...I lack the energy to get riled up and on the war path, to spill out my guts. Or I just lack the bravery...I'm hiding in the corner now afraid of what others will think of these words. Or just afraid of what will happen if I put them all down. Of what may actually come out of this head. I don't know if I'm comfortable anymore. I like who I am, just don't know if I'm happy with where I'm going.

Meh.
Mostly I'm just out of practice. The new job is supposed to be uber quiet and simple...so maybe I'll have more time. That's when I did most of my writing before, back when I was just a minion myself...so hopefully I can return to that.
It felt good to have something substantial here instead of just using it as a calendar...a spot to write down my comings and goings.
Which is where I am now at.
I don't know...but time ticks by and I have one week left of the old job...today is day 1 of  4...gotta run.


Meh.
Today was a decent start.We'll see.


-not quite perfect